Steven Wright One-Liners
- "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
- "I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
- "I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't
park anywhere near the place."
- "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
- "Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
- "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
- "One day I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost
went back in time."
- "I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street
when suddenly the prescription ran out."
- "When the guy who made the first drawing board got it
wrong, what did he go back to?"
- "What's another word for thesaurus?"
- "I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. When it's
finished I'm going to sue myself."
- "Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a
- "I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day
because that means it's going to be up all night."
- "I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I
got a full house and four people died."
- "If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
- "I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone."
- "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
- "The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the
moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you
get to work."
- "Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have
to 'put your two cents in?' Somebody's making a penny."
- "I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't
know how I got there."
- "I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I
hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote
- "I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out
of my car with a coat hanger."
- "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the
shore like an idiot."
- "We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only
- "Why's the alphabet in that order? Is it 'cause of that
- "I tried sniffing Coke once, but ice cubes went up my
- "I was out walking my dog yesterday. On the ledge. Some
people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths".
- "My friend works in radio. When we go under a bridge, I
can't hear him."
- "I came home to my apartment and found that everything
had been replaced with an exact replica. I called my friend
over and said 'Can you believe this? Everything's been
replaced with an exact replica!' He said, 'Do I know you?'"
- "I was being interviewed for a job. During the
interview, I started to read a magazine. The interviewer
asked, 'What are you doing???' I said, 'Let me ask you a
question. If I was driving at the speed of light, and turned
the headlights on, would anything happen?' He said, 'I don't
know.' I said to him, 'I don't think I want to work for your
- "I went to a convenience store the other night. It had a
sign reading, 'Open 24 Hours'. The manager was locking the
place up. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours!'
He said, 'Yeah, but not in a row."
- "I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns
out the zebra did it."
- "I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke."