Steven Wright One-Liners

  • "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
  • "I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
  • "I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
  • "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
  • "Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
  • "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
  • "One day I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
  • "I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
  • "When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?"
  • "What's another word for thesaurus?"
  • "I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. When it's finished I'm going to sue myself."
  • "Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
  • "I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."
  • "I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
  • "If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
  • "I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone."
  • "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
  • "The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work."
  • "Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents in?' Somebody's making a penny."
  • "I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there."
  • "I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'"
  • "I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger."
  • "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot."
  • "We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child. Eventually."
  • "Why's the alphabet in that order? Is it 'cause of that song?"
  • "I tried sniffing Coke once, but ice cubes went up my nose."
  • "I was out walking my dog yesterday. On the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths".
  • "My friend works in radio. When we go under a bridge, I can't hear him."
  • "I came home to my apartment and found that everything had been replaced with an exact replica. I called my friend over and said 'Can you believe this? Everything's been replaced with an exact replica!' He said, 'Do I know you?'"
  • "I was being interviewed for a job. During the interview, I started to read a magazine. The interviewer asked, 'What are you doing???' I said, 'Let me ask you a question. If I was driving at the speed of light, and turned the headlights on, would anything happen?' He said, 'I don't know.' I said to him, 'I don't think I want to work for your company.'"
  • "I went to a convenience store the other night. It had a sign reading, 'Open 24 Hours'. The manager was locking the place up. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours!' He said, 'Yeah, but not in a row."
  • "I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it."
  • "I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke."